Guide to bars in Souptown

I just received this myspace bulletin from a former classmate who still lives in my hometown, Duluth. Duluth is right across the river from Superior, Wisconsin, but to employ an oft-used cliché when discussing the differences between Minnesota and Wisconsin, Duluth is world's apart from it's nasty, mangy, aborted-fetus-in-the-trashcan Wisconsin cousin. While Duluth is a city of some importance, being the largest inland freshwater port in the world and a major intermodal hub, and to boot, a very beautiful if not utterly banal and stifling city I couldn't wait to run away from, Superior is some nasty-ass shit. Superior is where, even if you have a meth addiction and lack a stable job you can still afford a mortgage on three-bedroom house next to the train tracks, where that one guy was arrested for having sex with a dead deer on the side of the road, and where the likker doth flows cheaply and freely on every street corner.

I won't wade into the perpetual fight of which American town has the most bars per capita (The contenders--Milwaukee, LaCrosse, and Hurley--are all in Wisconsin anyway), but let's just say Tower Avenue used to be the undisputed champ and is no longer, a sore spot, I'm sure, for the local heavy drinkers.

I'm a frequenter of The Main in Superior, a laid-back and incredibly friendly and often hilarious gay bar in Superior. When I travel north to visit my parents, I usually head out on Saturday night, and often end up at The Main, where lately I've been joined by an ex-girlfriend of mine (from 7th grade) who is now a sexy lipstick lesbian who, after a few drinks, takes her tits out for her cadre of gay boys to lick and seems to know every fag and cross-dresser within a hundred miles. It's a joyful time. We talk about that one time we kissed while slow-dancing to "Stairway to Heaven" in the junior high cafeteria and she introduces me to retired Iron Range miners dolled up to look like Betty White. It's never a boring evening.

I cannot tell if the list below is exhaustive; I doubt it. But next time you are up north, print out this list and steel yourself.

UPDATE: It's come to my attention that the exhaustive guide below was written by Slim Goodbuzz, professional barfly, who also publishes a guide to bars in Duluth! Excellent! Apologies for not attributing this to Slim sooner...

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Anchor Bar

413 Tower Ave. | 715.394.9747 | View Web site

After spending a night at most bars, you end up smelling like an ashtray. After spending a night at the Anchor, you end up smelling like a grease trap. Expect to be amazed at how cheap and good the food and beer is. Expect to be insulted by the bartender. And expect to like it. Limit 105 persons.

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Androy Hotel Lounge

1213 Tower Ave. | 715.394.7731

If walking a few blocks from your favorite bar to Papa Don's is too much for you, try the Androy Hotel Lounge. The karaoke is always awful, and when they throw you out after last call, you land right in front of the door to an all-night restaurant. Sweet.

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Applebee's Neighborhood Grill & Bar

3605 Tower Ave. | 715.395.8460 | www.applebees.com

I will never ever, ever, ever get over the fact that Applebee's will not accept tribal I.D.'s. Remember the 56-year-old American Indian who was refused service there a few years ago? I do. I will never forget that as I drive past Applebee's on my way to a bar with a little respect for human dignity.

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Belknap Tavern on the Plaza

130 Belknap St. | 715.394.3616

Boring, yet not as annoying as you'd expect a strip-mall liquor store/bar to be, the Belknap Lounge is a fine place for conversation, billiards and microwave popcorn huffing. Seriously: when they pull that stink-bomb bag of popcorn out of the nuke-box, I'm tempted to fart as a self-defense mechanism. On a separate note: I have often wondered what is behind the door labeled "Malone," but have yet to find it unlocked.

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Bev's Jook Joint

820 Tower Ave. | 715.392.5373

Bev's is returning to its former splendor, which means live music and dykes, dykes, dykes. That's four reasons why I like the place.

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The Boathouse Restaurant

14 Marina Dr. | 715.399.0076 | View Web site

Get yourself a bottle of Capcanes 2002 Mas Donis Barrica. The Boathouse's wine menu steals a quote from Wine Advocate magazine about this Spanish wine, describing how "a dense purple color gives up scents of creosote, blackberries, kirsch liqueur, new saddle leather and meat." Mmm-mmm.

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Builder's Saloon

619 Tower Ave. | 715.395.2222

If you're a pervert like me, Builder's, which is attached to Stargate, is the place to unsober yourself until you're courageous enough to head next door and get thrown out. Again.

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Capri Bar

1224 Tower Ave. | 715.395.1908

The Capri has always had pool, foosball and ping pong -- in addition to its cheap beer and free peanuts -- but now, oh momma, now they have a bocce parlor in the basement. Limit 184 persons.

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Cedar Lounge

1715 N. Third St. | 715.394.7391

The four people hanging out at Hag's are not happy to see you show up at all. Sit down, be quiet and keep to yourself.

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Centerfolds Cabaret

702 Tower Ave. | 715.394.9226

Arrive at this strip club early to avoid the cover charge and take advantage of two-for-one drinks. Arrive late to burn your whole paycheck in an hour. The asses on stage are, for the most part, young and sweet. Some are girls working their way through college, which is truly inspiring. Others are obviously so addicted to smack that it makes me more sad than horny.

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Charlie Brown's Bar

1828 Iowa Ave. | 715.394.5295

This neighborhood bar has a fucking "Beer Buffet" on Wednesday nights. The cost is $5 for "unlimited tap beer" from 6pm to 9pm. I recommend lining the inside of a duffle bag with a leak-proof bladder and taking some to go. One thing you should know about Charlie Brown's, which I learned from a Vietnam veteran, is this: Charlie is the enemy. We must defend the bar against him.

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TJ Champion's Lounge

715 Belknap St. | 715.392.5341

Champ's has the distinction of being the first bar I ever wrote a review about, back in 1999. My opinion hasn't changed one bit.

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China Inn

15 Belknap St. | 715.392.3434

This little Szechuan and Cantonese food joint is three times as large on the inside as it appears to be on the outside. There is a limited beer and wine menu and, for some reason, there was a drawing to win a gas grill the last time I was there.

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C's Lounge

1419 Banks Ave. | 715.392.6730

The tap special at C's Lounge in Superior is 65-cent mugs of Busch -- all day, all night. This is information to be treasured.

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Choo-Choo Bar

5002 E. Third St. | 715.398.3788

Though this place is built out of a railroad car, it's still little more than a neighborhood hangout. Nonetheless, if you stay there long enough, the car actually seems to move.

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Dugout Lounge

1318 Tower Ave. | 715.394.3361

The Dugout is by far the least annoying sports bar in the region.

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Eagles Aerie 80

1710 N. 12th St. | 715-392-6560 | www.foe80.org

This club is as nest-like as it's name. Enjoy the "late-night happy hour" from 10 p.m. to midnight and watch your mouth around Wes. Limit 141 persons.

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East End Tavern

2114 E. Fifth St. | 715.398.7076

"In the heart of Old Town," the East End Tavern is a spot where you can always find about five guys listening to Black Sabbath and talking about something you can't relate to.

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Eddie's World Famous Ribs

5221 E. Fourth St. | 715.398.0191

Eddie's ribs are only slightly more world famous than Frankie's karaoke. I mean, there aren't many people in Paraguay, for example, ranting and raving about the place. But Eddie's is indeed famous in Superior, and deservedly so. You'll find it tucked away in the Itasca neighborhood, just a few blocks off the beaten path of the Choo-Choo Bar.

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End Zone

1026 Tower Ave.

The End Zone closed in 2006 and was torn down, along with Odyssey's.

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Elbo Room

1309 Tower Ave. | 715.392.6292

This is the perfect place to meet that special someone you are cheating on your spouse with. It's a quiet bar that is no place to act up, but a fine place to load up. Bring your appetite, Sammy's Pizza restaurant is attached. Stick with the pizza, however. The rest of the menu isn't so special.

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Frankie's Tavern

1310 Tower Ave. | 715.392.1646

Most people who go to Frankie's go there for the karaoke. I go there because it is the only bar in the region that sells both leather clothing and swords.

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Goodsports Bar & Grill

2827 Oakes Ave. | 715.392.2546

Complete with sandy volleyball courts in the summer and a broom-ball/boot hockey rink in the winter, Goodsports is one of the better watch-nine-televisions-at-a-time bars. It is, however, more of a family restaurant atmosphere than a place to get completely ripped, but if you go on the right night, things do get a bit rowdy.

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Gronk's Grill & Bar

4909 E. Second St. | 715.398.0333

There's something about the name "Gronk's" that sounds like it's a corporate-owned chain. It's not. It's actually a pretty cool little family-owned burger joint. There's no wild drunken violence or nudity to keep me entertained, but other than that I have no complaints.

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Grizzly's Grill 'N' Saloon

3405 Tower Ave. | 715.392.5210 | www.grizzlysgrill.com

One of the many things I dislike about places like Grizzly's is that the bartender usually has a bunch of other jobs in addition to being bartender. And there is a double meaning to that sentence. First of all, the bartender should never be a hostess at the same time, no matter how slow the bar is. It may not interfere with the timely filling of a glass, but it will prevent the all-important fraternizing with the drunks, which is an important part of bartending. Second of all, bartenders should not be people who are moonlighting from their job as an elementary school teacher. Bartending is not a second job; it is a specialized skill. Thank you. End of rant.

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Guadalajara Mexican Restaurant

69 N. 28th St. E. | 715.392.2894

Located right next to the movie theaters in the Mariner Mall, right where you need it, is this perfect blend of Mexican and Superiorite culture. Ask Juan for a tall whiskey sour and, let me tell you amigo, you get a tall whiskey sour.

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Hacienda South

6428 Tower Ave. | 715.392.9960

Sloppy and smelly describes not only the bar itself, but also the regulars. Avoid it.

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Hammond Bar & Steak House

1402 N. Fifth St. | 715.392.3269

Often referred to as the "Hammered," this combination bar, restaurant and liquor store is the first drinking establishment you will see when you cross the Blatnik Bridge from Duluth. Keep going.

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High Fives on Fifth

1310 N. Fifth St. | Unlisted

From the ashes of the North Star Lounge comes this strange little bar, grill and liquor store. I think the weird guy next to me said drinking there is a lot like eating Swedish pancakes with a broken elbow. I don't know what that means, but I have to agree.

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Hudy's

2126 E. Fifth St. | 715.398.9905

I.Q. test: Find the men's room at Hudy's. On your mark, get set, go!

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Jack's Place

1923 Tower Ave. | 715.392.1994

The renovations to this bar completely changed its atmosphere. I think it's now officially too nice there for me to enjoy it.

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Jimmy's

1812 Iowa Ave. | 715.394.6403

This Billing's Park dive has cheap beer and a nice courtyard. Bounce back-and-forth between Jimmy's and Charlie Brown's and you'll have a fine day.

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Jo D's Corner Oasis

318 Tower Ave. | Unlisted

Yes, the former Tin Can Alley has reopened under a new name and new ownership. What makes it an oasis is hard to say. If this is an oasis, there's three on every block.

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Joe's Pagoda Chinese Restaurant & Bar

3223 Tower Ave. | 715.392.7141

This little bar, in a separate room off of the large restaurant, may have the chintziest happy-hour prices ever (save a whopping 25 cents!), but the atmosphere is perfectly dark and garrulous. The last time I was there, some guy named Bill won $22.50 in the "Wed. Nite drawing."

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Keyport Lounge

1900 Belknap St. | 715.392.3377

The Keyport has evolved over the past two years into Superior's finest karaoke bar. Whether you're listening to some strange bearded man screech out "O Little Town of Bethlehem," or planning to take the stage yourself to sing "Sweet Child O' Mine" in the voice of Katherine Hepburn, the Keyport abides.

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JT's Bar & Grill

1506 N. Third St. | 715.394.2580

The gay bar that tries to accommodate every need, JT's has DJ music, dancing, food, pool tables, dart boards and lots of lame-ass straight people thinking they're being adventurous. Guess which my favorite form of entertainment is?

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La Belle

Tower Ave. | Unlisted

La Belle is the queen of Tower Avenue's maniacally cheap sleaze-pits. You can literally get drunk for pocket change at La Belle. And really, that's what we all want, isn't it? Even high-class intellectuals such as yourself go there.

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Lamplighter

628 Tower Ave. | 715.394.5149

The "Limplifter" can by summed up like this: It's a strip club, in which the strippers have to plug the jukebox to get their music. Seriously.

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Les Birds

5801 Tower Ave. | 715.394.9995

This is a generally fun karaoke bar full of middle-aged rowdies.

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Loading Zone

Parts Unknown | Number Unknown

If you can find this bar in the first place, and you show up on the right night, you could be treated to such sights as old men playing bloody knuckles, trashy couples slow-dancing to Def Leppard's "Love Bites," or a five-year-old boy sitting by himself playing Strip Club on the game computer. Generally though, you can't even find it, and if you do it will probably be a slow night anyway.

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Lord Stanley's

1015 Tower Ave. | 715.392.3925

Keeping with the tradition of constantly changing names, Lord Stanley's was recently known as Carignan's -- not to be confused with the old Carignan's, which changed it's name to Hall of Fame and then Odyssey's before the city denied its liquor license renewal, bought the building and tore it down. This is the other or more recent Carignan's that was briefly known as O2 before it was Carignan's and CC Tap before it was O2, and .. shit .. I think it was Willie's Pub before that. I'm getting fucken drunk just thinking about this. Anyway, the new name is obviously a reference to professional hockey's Stanley Cup, which means the sports bar trend is now narrowing its niche to individual sports. Wow.

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Lost in the '50s

1809 N. Third St. | 715.392.1855

This place isn't quite '50s enough for me. Instead of feeling like a modern bar full of 1950s memorabilia, or a genuine 1950s bar, it sort of feels like a 1970s bar with 1950s memorabilia.

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Main Club

1217 Tower Ave. | 715.392.1756

A comfortable setting for the gay regulars, but an uncomfortable one for the new meat.

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Mama's Bar

1019 Ogden Ave. | 715.394.3004

It's a lot more romantic to just stand outside this bar and imagine what it might be like inside than to actually go in.

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Mr. B's

2223 E. Fifth St. | 715.398.5408

Hang out by the pay phone. That's where the action is.

Mr. Lucky's Bar & Billiards

1022 Tower Ave. | 715.395.9789

Mr. Lucky's is one big-ass billiard joint. If you want to play pool while getting drunk, go somewhere else. If you want to get drunk while playing pool, go to Lucky's.

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Norm's Beer and Brats

1901 Broadway St. | 715.394-9689 | www.normsbeerandbrats.com

What a sad fall from grace. From 1996-'99, Norm's was one of my favorite spots. The rubber toys, the large mugs and mason jars of booze, the blonde female bar staff ... those were the days. These days, every dickhead college guy you want to avoid hangs out there, and everything comes in a plastic cup. They've even hired a few male bartenders. At least I have my memories. Barely.

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Odyssey's

1028 Tower Ave.

Odyssey's was closed for a number of complicated legal reasons. The city eventually bought it out and tore it down, along with the End Zone.

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Office Bar

2128 E. Fifth St. | 715.398.7536

Located in Superior's East End, next door to the ancient radio store with the coolest marquee ever, the Office serves up pitchers of middle-of-the-road beer for $4.50. That's good enough for me.

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Old Town Restaurant & Lounge

2215 E. Second St. | 715.398.7792

It's like hanging out with the people at the Head of the Lakes Fair, only indoors. Lots of 40-year-old guys with combs in their back pockets. The mirror behind the bar is too high to see yourself while sitting, so you might see a guy stand up to comb his hair and remark, "You got to stand up to pretty up."

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O'Neill's Pub

3333 Tower Ave. | 715.392.7388

O'Neill's has moved out of its strip mall location and into a freestanding building formerly occupied by a Wendy's restuarant. That may not sound like much of an improvement, but believe me, it is. On the outside, it does look quite a bit like a Wendy's, but on the inside it doesn't. O'Neill's used to be the only Irish Pub in the world that didn't carry Guinness. Not any more. And they have a fucking drive-through liquor store. This is the 2007's most improved bar.

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The Palace

1108 Tower Ave. | 715.394.4205

The Palace is once again the Palace after a brief stint as Odyssey's Rock & Roll Cafe Sport Emporium. It's sort of like when your girlfriend breaks up with you to fuck some really ugly dude, but then comes back to you. It's just not the same anymore. Limit 126 persons.

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President's Bar

3824 E. Second St. | 715.398.6001

President's Bar has no pictures of presidents, no wall of stars and stripes or any other form of patriotic propaganda. The bar is in no way interesting, but its accompanying liquor store is a great pit stop on the way to gettin' ripped at Wisconsin Point -- something our forefathers certainly would have saluted.

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Risk

705 Tower Ave. | Unlisted

Formerly the Cove Cabaret, Fat Daddy's Live, and Club Key West, this terminally stupid nightclub closed a while back after numerous problems with the law. There was one citation for permitting minors to loiter and another for being open after hours. Shortly after the place first opened in 2003 there was a stabbing. The owners have lost their liquor license and the building is being foreclosed. And a good time was had by all.

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Sakana

525 Tower Ave.

Sakana is closed and the building is for sale. If you don't remember Sakana even being open, you probably also never noticed when it was Shakers American Grill in mid-2005. But you might remember when it was Mama Gets in the early part of the millennium.

Schultz's Sports Bar

1307 N. Fifth St. | 715.394.7332

Schultz's really frustrates me because I can't get the freakin' football cards out of the table top.

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The Shack

3301 Belknap St. | 715.392.9836 | www.shackonline.com

The tiny bar connected to the Shack Smokehouse & Grill serves alcohol and has a TV, but that's about all it offers. If your spouse is really annoying, you may find this to be a far more expensive, far less comfortable alternative to your own living room, and if so, you have my sympathy.

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Shamrock Tavern

5825 Tower Ave. | 715.394.9913

The pizza at the Shamrock is outstanding, which helps me do what I do best: drink lots. I would go to the Shamrock every day, but the cost of the cab ride back to Duluth from South Superior forces me to only allow myself to get utterly shamrocked every St. Patrick's Day.

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Shooter's Saloon

624 Tower Ave. | 715.392.6660

The only country/western bar around is unfortunately a bit more Garth Brooksy than George Jonesy, but the line dancers are cute to watch.

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Smithy's Bar

3823 E. Second St. | 715.398.6015

Bor-ing. Bor-ing. Bor-ing.

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Stargate

619 Tower Ave. | 715.395.2222 | www.stargatenightclub.com

For decades, the old Cove Cabaret was considered by many to be the skankiest place in town, and was rumored to be the center for all manner of criminal and amoral activity. Then Stargate moved in across the street and took away all the Cove's business.

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Striker's

1906 Broadway St. | 715.392.3663

Just look in the window. That's all you need to do.

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Third Base Bar

1218 Tower Ave. | 715.392.4535

Long known as the Locker Room, the Third Base recently abandoned its old moniker in order to ... um ... I guess confuse longtime customers. There seems to be no other reason to have changed one unimaginative sports bar name to another, since everything else there seems to be the same. Twelve TVs line the walls and two daiquiri machines spin girlie drinks behind the bar, but what you need to know is that pints of tap beer are $1 on Wednesdays, all day.

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3rd Rock Bar

1201 Tower Ave. | 715.394.7171

The 3rd Rock went belly up in 2006, and Metallica cover bands continue to weep their sad bosoms empty.

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Temple Bar

1807 N. 11 St. | 715.392.6400

This frequently renamed bar has managed to hold the name Temple for a couple of years now. That's about all it's managed to do that I've noticed. Limit 86 persons.

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Thirsty Pagan Brewing

1623 Broadway St. | 715.394.2500 | www.thirstypaganbrewing.com

The former Twin Ports Brewing Co. is under new ownership and a new name. Not much has changed, except for the increased frequency of short hairs sticking to the rim my pint glasses. I'm kind of freaked out about that. Limit 98 persons.

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Tower Avenue Tavern

411 Tower Ave. | unlisted

The former Molly's is under new ownership and has been significantly remodeled. All of the bullshit drama that went down at Molly's on a regular basis is gone, which is a shame. It seems quite unlikely that anyone will get shot at Tower Avenue Tavern, and how boring is that? Limit 108 persons.

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Tyomies

601 Tower Ave. | 715-392-1197

Back with a full liquor license in 2004 after some haggling with the city council, Tyomies continues to offer one of the best men's rooms of any bar in Superior. I could piss a river in that place.

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Viking Lounge & Liquor Store

1501 N Fifth St. | 715.392.3994

Feed-the-fish! Feed-the-fish!

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Who's Bar

1114 Tower Ave. | 715.394.7084

Who's bar is it? Well, that guy in the corner who looks like a fatter version of hippie magician Doug Henning would be my pick. Who's is a classic Superior bar, with mediocre prices and nothing interesting happening inside. Limit 92 persons.

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Windjammer Lounge

300 Marina Drive | 715.392.7152 | www.barkersislandinn.com

There's not much happening at this bar inside Barker's Island Inn Resort and Conference Center, but they have good chip dip. Limit 112 persons.